I have been praying as of late that God would deal with my trust/abandonment issues. I have always had this deep fear of people leaving me, dying or just forgetting about me. With it I don't really trust people. Like for instance: my husband he is always late, so I have a real problem believing/trusting that he isn't in a car accident. When he lied to me about his pornography addiction years ago, well I have had trouble trusting him ever since. Deep down I fear he will leave me for someone else or I will have to leave him over his addiction. Anyway so I have bee trying to think where this has fear has come from.
Last night I was lying in bed and I think I may have figured it out. Let me preface this with something. I have an uncle who was always very weird with us kids. He would walk around naked and one of my younger aunts accused him of molesting her. My parents knew he was weird in this way but still left my sister and I with him (this is another issue to deal with later). Anyway so my aunt and weird uncle lived a block away from us. One night my mom and dad took us over there for an adult games night. We had three cousins and so this was always fun. At bedtime my parents put my sister and I to bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night with the house completely quiet. I started to cry, I was so mad that my mom had left me there. From then on I had this irrational fear of being left anywhere. I wouldn't stay over night anywhere, if my mom took us to the babysitters I would cry and make her promise a thousand times she would be there to pick me up after work. If it was night I would stay awake until she came. To this day I have vivid memories of that night and the saddness and fear I felt. I have always had this weird feeling like something had happened to me as a young girl, but always felt that ignorance was bliss. I am not saying anything did happen with this maniac of an uncle but it could explain a lot. He drives this very distinguishable vehicle and to this day when I see him I hide and cringe.
I will continue to pray and seek healing from Jesus.
"Lord, heal my brokenness. Fill me full of Your trust. Let me have the grace to believe in Your perfect plan!"