I am running late on my period. I am a little worried yet hopeful that maybe its my body finally working it all out. My hormones have been so crazy since Kayde was born and you would think after three years everything would be going back to normal. My face although I have some small pimples seems to be clearing up a bit. My boobs weren't leaking this morning which is the first time. SO maybe lets hope.
Lord please help me to trust You. Whatever You are going to give me let me trust You, let me trust Your perfect plan.

Well man I am having a crappy day. I just lost it on my husband. I told him to leave and never come back. Now I really don't think he would do that but who knows. What do you do when you just get to the point in marriage when you feel like life would be so much easier without the other person. I just feel like he is so much work all the time. I am sure I am too but I am too tired to do anything about it. I just don't get how he is okay with not being needed. I don't need him to work and make money, God provides. I could really easily look after the kids all by myself. All I would have to do is use the phone more. I wouldn't have to deal with his mother or sister and that would be so nice. Oh yes he does vaccum, but really I could pick up that once a month job. He does clean out the cat litter but he usually waits until the cat poops or pees in the house to do that. I am sure he fell in love with me because I am so in control and decisive but that has really been his downfall. Each day I take on a new task from him. Then his constant grumpiness. If you feel crappy tell me why. He doesn't tell me because all the things he whines about are so stupid! And what do I say? SUCK IT UP!
SO what do I do? WHy did I fall in love with him? I look back and think what was I thinking? He was such a nice friend, why didn't I leave it at that?
I know God gave him to me. My love came for him came from God, just as his did for me. I need to be better. I cannot change him, I never will. God can change me into more of a servant. I need to be more Christ-like. Help me Lord!

So I have now entered potty training for the fourth and hopefully last time. Let me tell you it sucks and it sucks bad. I have never really had an easy potty trainer and I am left wondering two things. Either God has forsaken me or those others are all lying. We are in to day 5. Day 5 and we have had 3 accidents and zero pees on the potty. we have however spent a good 2 hours on the potty. Yes as a mom of four all under the age of 8 I have somehow managed to find an extra 2-4 hours a day to sit in the bathroom reading stories and trying to coax pee out of an almost 3 year old. I am at the end of my rope. I have done well staying very positive encouraging even attempts but this last attempt not so much. In fact I almost put him in diapers and I actually threw the trainers on the floor and told him to put them on. I did help him because I felt bad. Its just too much for one person to handle at least this person. I am calling out for God's help, this is just so beyond me. If some day even if its not today you are reading this pray for me. Yes it seams silly but even your prayers may help in this insignificant thing that seems like such a huge deal right now. ANd thats just it at least one day at Kayde's wedding I will tell of how he took sooooooo long to potty train and hope that he has the same difficulties with his son.:) In this thing though I will have no advice. I will tell them not to talk to me about potty training, leave 'em in diapers, call me when you are done, I don't want any part of this!!!!!!!
Man if I were rich I would pay someone to do this for me.
If I accomplish this it will definitely be something to be proud of: 4 kids potty trained, 8 years of changing diapers, most often changing two at a time. (Here come the tears.)

Well another month has almost past. I try and think why or what am I so busy with? I have no idea. Raising four kids, kind of. It takes up time but really not that much time. I am not that good at thats why. I still have so much selfishness that I can't just get rid of. Which leads me into the fact that I am so blessed to have great kids. They drive Jai and I crazy all day and then whenever we are at friend's houses or doctors offices they are so good. Last night Jai and I dropped the kids off at their Aunts and went to a friends birthday party. They were saying how great our kids were, how quiet and well behaved. Then everyone assumes we are great parents. Some days we are awful parents. I feel bad for poor Ryley. we are always learning with him. Maybe its because we love them. I hope thats why. God has given us the best family. I love that, we both have crazy families but we will always have our fun family. I truly love when we are having fun. I need to enjoy the fun times more. Jai and I just get so carried away with our lists of things we have to do. Even with teaching them each day I need to marvel at their brilliance. God has given me these four beautiful people, and He has trusted them to me. But I need to remember they belong to Him and be thankful for each day.
Back to the party... I had one friend on one side who is dying to start a family and the other who just cannot decide what she wants and is very honest about the fact that kids drive her crazy. How many people have to have the dream? You get married, get your careers, buy the house, have the two kids, it such a load of crap! I am so thankful God just takes care of all my decisions. We didn't want any kids and here I have my four. I respect other people who don't bow to the pressure. Fine get stuck with a bad job or a bad house but marriage and especially kids man those are big decisions. Honestly I never could have decided to have kids they are so much work. They take up every moment of time, its so crazy!

Wow its been a whole month since I have blogged. I wish I could say it was because I was so happy, or so busy or anything really that I just had no time to blog. Lets see what I have done this month. I have fought with my husband several times. Husbands can be such...well fill in your own blank. I have babysat several children. Adding one child to my brood let alone two one being autistic has been challenging for me. I have started homeschooling my youngest. I was going to send him to school but couldn't manage it. I have tried to help my friend a little navigate through her depression and poopy pants husband. I have convinced my husband to try a new all natural depression medication. I have been truly thankful for my husband almost every day. I have felt so blessed by God to have my four beautiful children. I have laughed that my littlest now calls me mama and insists on kissing both cheeks and my nose. I have witnessed my daughter learn to ride her bike after 5 minutes and been amazed at how smart she is. I have watched my son learn to catch fish and see his eyes light up each time he cast the rod and a bigger fish came out ending with a salmon which had to be thrown back. My Noam has blessed me with his smile and how fast he is learning everything. I am reminded daily that I am in God's hand and He blesses me so greatly but even if He decides to take away He still has a perfect plan for me. I have had a great month. My cousin not so much, his little boy has passed and they are yet to understand God's love, I pray they will. I pray Lord you will make sense of their situation for me. Thank You for being You!

I can't believe how darn hot it is. I hate the heat! Well at least the Olympics are on. I love the Olympics! This and the fact that we have all had the flu and a million swimming lessons is why I haven't been writing. I will be back.
Just one thing is this Phelps for real? Mark my words we are going to find out there is some blood doping or something going on.

My husband and I have this saying about our buckets being full. Whenever I have so much on my plate I get to a point where I can't handle anything. Thats when I make stupid mistakes like when Kayde fell in the ditch. Anyway its like when my bucket is full if you add even one more thing the water starts dripping out. Thats exactly what it feels like.
Anyway last night my husband tells me his bucket is full. No to be uncompassionate but what? I said to him he must have a pretty small bucket. I take care of him all day. We had this huge long fight because I had a hard week and asked him to help me and he sat on the couch and became his introverted self. Anyway at the end I told him I needed to give me rest. As I was saying these words I realized who would give me rest. If I want real rest its not going to come from my hubby but from above. I always struggle with finding my refuge and rest in Christ. Lord help me.