New Start

It's been a while since I have blogged. Like 3 years while. Crazy stuff. Not much has changed except everything has changed. It's funny how we say nothing has changed but if we stopped to think for a while in reality life has changed. My kids are all hurtling towards teenage hood. We have one to two years until we start applying to college for my elder two. My husband has switched from a 15hr/week job to a 40hr/week job. We have moved to a townhouse from an apartment, same size but configured completely different. And one of the biggest changes is a new puppy, which has completely changed everything.

So in essence everything has changed.

Wow

Has it really been two years since I have written on here? I tried to start a soccer/football specific blog but that was really difficult. I don't mind telling everything when I am doing it anonymously but as soon as people are reading it, eeks!I need to share on here more though because it really does help. Just venting. Always helps everything.

Love Dare Day 2

So Day one went well. I did however realize that I am so quick to anger even over little things. I tried to make the word patience a bit of a mantra for me. Just continually reminding myself to be patient. I at times did think disapproving thoughts of Jai and I tried oh so hard not to say anything negative. I am a negative person. These are things I can work on in marriage and just in life in general.

Day 2 Love Is Kind
Patience=reacts, kindness=acts. Patience avoids a problem;kindness creates a blessing.
Gentleness
-never being unnecessarily harsh
-speak the truth in love
Helpfullness
-meet the needs of the moment
Willingness
-stay flexible, compromise
Initiative
-serves and forgives first
Proverbs 31:26"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."
Love is not based on feelings.
Today I need to one act of kindness. I think the act of kindness is easy for me, its the feeling of being kind, or thinking kind thoughts that I have trouble with.
Lord, help me be kind and patient with Jai. Give me your strength to do this.

Love Dare

Well today I'm going to start the Love Dare book by Kendrick. Why? Because Jai has been doing it for a while and I haven't really noticed him doing it. Maybe it would be better if he did it daily I'm not sure. I am kind of at a hard place in our relationship. It just always feels like so much work, the friendship isn't there after all these years. Everything he does just seems to tick me off. I just don't feel like he has gotten to know me at all after all these years. I'm not the best at this marriage thing either because I haven't changed either. I'm still selfish and sometimes mean. I have a lot of changing to go.
Jeremiah 17:9"The heart is more deceitful than all else." This is key learning to follow my brain rather than my heart. Making decisions according to the wisdom God has granted me instead of how I feel.

Day 1 Love Is Patient
-"humble and gentle", so not me
-Patience
responding positively to an negative situation
slow to anger
internal calm during an external storm
anger almost never makes things better
patience is a deep breat
So the dare today is basically not to say anything negative to Jai. Do the dares continue or do I just work on today? This is a hard one for me, really. I am negative.
Lord help me be positive and encouraging to Jason though my mind and body will fight it.

Hello world,
So tonight I go to change the master password on my computer and I can't. I don't know what it is. I change it every few months so usually remember it. So then I get worried that Jai has changed it. I stress out to no end. AM I nuts?
God let this not be the case. AH I hate this part of love, trust. How do I do that? How do I trust You Lord let alone my sinful husband? ALl I pray Lord is that I would know. Let me find the evidence, most importantly let my husband tell me. That is my biggest fear that I will be lied to again. Let me trust You. If Jai fails me You won't. Let me get my comfort in that.

So I check out my blog for the first time in months and all of a sudden I have 1100 people who have checked out my blog? Is this true or is it an error? If you read my blog let me know. Leave me a comment.

Life

Jesus,
What a day I am having. I am so grumpy and Jai is so grumpy. How do I deal with this? I don't know if its the heat or my birth control but I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. There is so much of me that needs to change and so much of Jai. I watched a movie called Faith Like Potatoes. The actor in it said at one point he didn't want to trust God but he did. Thats how I feel, I am just fighting it with my whole being but I need to. My whole relationship with Jai, all our problems I just need to give it to God. Just trust Him. I can hear Him telling me,"trust Me Dawn. Just trust Me. Let Me do it. Let Me have it." It's so hard.
God I trust You. I am giving this to You, I don't want to but I am.
I trust YOu!
I trust You!
I trust You!

Some days I really hate being married. Having this whole other person in control of your future. Jai had a bit of a lapse this morning and tried to lie about it. I caught him right away which I should be thankful for, but again its the lying that throws me for a loop. I should probably be more angry about the actual lapse but it's the lie that gets me. He just doesn't get it. He trusts me %100, so he just doesn't know how it feels. I don't even know why he does it. I almost feel like it's more of an attention thing. Like he's not getting enough so he lapses so he gets some attention. One of his ex girlfriends cheated on him so maybe its even a self preservation thing, I just don't know.
God I know I could make it without him, You would never give me something I couldn't handle. But I just feel like I am waiting for it to happen. Maybe I need to just give him my trust, undeserved as it is. I know I fail you daily and You still trust me and love me. Lord, I trust You and I will do whatever it is You have called me to. Help me to know what to do. Give me Your wisdom! Let me see him for the person that You have created him to be, let me have a glimpse of the love You have for him. Heal us, heal him. Lord, give him Your strength, let him not rely on his strength. Let him question his actions. Be with us, be in us. Lord wrap me in Your loving arms and shield me from this pain. I want to be married to this man for all the days of my life, Lord make that a reality!

Business

Jai and I are trying to start a business. We have had our website up for about 2 weeks now and have had some items on eBay for the same amount. We have sold nothing and have had really no interest. I'm starting to wonder if God is telling us something.
On our website I do a rant. It's totally beyond my comfort zone. On Sunday I posted one, Jai said was my best. Well I have had nothing but negative feedback. Mind you it has had 380 views. But it is so hard for me to take, I just want to quit but Jai says no he likes them.
I feel God is trying to teach me some things about pride. My worth needs to come from Him.
"Whatever you ,do your work heartily as for the Lord and not for men."Col 3:23

Friends!

Man it's been a long while since I've written. Well I only write when I'm feeling passionate about something. Well the other day I said something about my friends anniversary that she took so wrongly. She decided to work with her sister on her ten year anniversary. So on facebook I wished her happy anniversary and have fun with her sister. She got so offended (so did her sister). Obviously I know she is feeling guilty, please don't take that out on me. I should really confront her but I am trying to be what God wants me to be so I apologized. She's not a close friend so no real loss but hey can she get over herself?
LORD help me be more like you. Let me run and not grow weary, let me throw off the sin that so easily entangles me. I love you Jesus!

Okay I think I better proofread before I post. My iPod changes letters and words and I don't even catch it.
So another twilight thought. Again I love my husband I really do but lying in bed looking at him I could not be married to him for eternity. Now some people might think we will be married in heaven I am banking on no but the heavenly me will not be quite so selfish. Jai is hard to live with for 10 years let alone for ever. When will Edward and bella's reality set in? After book 4 I was already getting sick of them both.

I'm done the Twilight books and very depressed like I knew I would be. Somehow it feels worse though, more than I expected. The last book wasn't that great but it did bring up some interesting thoughts. The vampires have this extra awareness of their senses. So after apwnsinf a week in rjwie world I am feeling utterly sensory deprived. I feel like my life is so Boeing and meaningless. But maybe I am supposed to feel like that. We are supposed to feel this longing foe heaven and I really do. I think that's what it's going to be like. We don't truly know beauty until we re there.
Maybe Meyer was writing something about her beliefs. Edward is always referred to as an angel and so beautiful. Hmm things to ponder if I could just get my mind clear! Sometimes I hate being so emotional! That's the only exceptionally good sense that I have.
Anyway I am making my husband take me to Forks on Sunday that's how crazy I am!

I have been reading the Twilight series. I shouldn't have even started. In fact I don't know why I ever read because I get so engrossed in the book, it's like I actually become the person. At the end I become extremely depressed, it sucks!
So I am so engrossed in Bella that I feel guilty for yearning for that kind of love. The electricity of new romance. We should be allowed to have a side romance when we are married. I mean my hubby is the best friend I will ever have and I never want to lose him but the thrill isn't quite the same now that I've washed his underwear for 9 years.
Thankfully I haven't met somone who makes my heart stop like that but I know I will not do anything stupid because I am committed for life! I will just enjoy Bella and Edward for a few more days.:0)

Well whiny kids are definately going to be the end of me. It drives me absolutely crazy! I need the Supernanny to come and help us. Or maybe someone can come and take him. Just until he's out of this stage. Which if his dad is any indication may be 30+. Jk!
He is hard to take though. God give Jai and I the patience!

Ew!

I'm blogging from my iPod!

I'm sitting here trying to get the kids to do school work. If I am using my mac or my ipod they will not do work. Its so distracting for them. Basically I just get to sit and stare at them until they need help or something marked, err!! Luckily I love them so much I will do it. Two hours of boredom is way better than waiting for them to come home for six hours. I do so enjoy them home with me.
My latest craze is Twitter. Its the best of Facebook, just the status updates. Its so fun. Plus I found this guy from the set of Heroes, and he posts pictures of the cast all day long. Okay so most of them have been props and a few of the dog Mr Muggles but I a m sure there will be some even better soon. I haven't found many friends yet though. I think its way better if you do it mobily, much easier. Is that a word mobily? Just one more thing to take my mind of things. I need less things, I need more focus!

As I sit here and write this I am shaking. My 5 year old son is in his bed screaming, he has been since about 1 pm this afternoon, it is now 5pm. We were at Walmart and he was being a turkey, we got mad at him so he kicked off his shoes. So we just left the shoes there (or so we told him, they were addidas runners). So for the next 30 minutes he screached while we continued shopping around walmart. Let me tell you I wasn't happy about the people all looking at me as if I was the one screaming. Then he doesn't want to get in the car so of course we say "stay thats your choice." Well again all the people looking at us like we were trying to steal the child or like they were going to pounce on him any second. Now we are getting near to spanking point but we finally put him in the car, (I tell him I will phone the police myself if he doesn't get his seat belt on properly). We drive home with him screaming, he stops once we get home, but I explain he is still going to bed for the rest of the day for acting that way. He cries a bit then goes to sleep for 45 min and is now screaming again. What do you do?
Lord I pray you will help me. Give me the strength, to love him. Right now all I want to do is give him away. Let me be thankful for the times he does listen and all the things you have made him. Let me hear your voice in these times just to guide me.

Well I am Twitterific today. I just signed up for twitter on Saturday, but I really don't get it. I only signed up because I read an article in the paper about it. I keep getting notifications that people are following my tweets, I don't get it. Does anyone really want to know what I am tweeting about. I keep signing up for people and then removing them. Probably bad edicate but I want a few tweets a day not one every five minutes, thats just crazy. Don't you have anything else to do with your day?