Well another month has almost past. I try and think why or what am I so busy with? I have no idea. Raising four kids, kind of. It takes up time but really not that much time. I am not that good at thats why. I still have so much selfishness that I can't just get rid of. Which leads me into the fact that I am so blessed to have great kids. They drive Jai and I crazy all day and then whenever we are at friend's houses or doctors offices they are so good. Last night Jai and I dropped the kids off at their Aunts and went to a friends birthday party. They were saying how great our kids were, how quiet and well behaved. Then everyone assumes we are great parents. Some days we are awful parents. I feel bad for poor Ryley. we are always learning with him. Maybe its because we love them. I hope thats why. God has given us the best family. I love that, we both have crazy families but we will always have our fun family. I truly love when we are having fun. I need to enjoy the fun times more. Jai and I just get so carried away with our lists of things we have to do. Even with teaching them each day I need to marvel at their brilliance. God has given me these four beautiful people, and He has trusted them to me. But I need to remember they belong to Him and be thankful for each day.
Back to the party... I had one friend on one side who is dying to start a family and the other who just cannot decide what she wants and is very honest about the fact that kids drive her crazy. How many people have to have the dream? You get married, get your careers, buy the house, have the two kids, it such a load of crap! I am so thankful God just takes care of all my decisions. We didn't want any kids and here I have my four. I respect other people who don't bow to the pressure. Fine get stuck with a bad job or a bad house but marriage and especially kids man those are big decisions. Honestly I never could have decided to have kids they are so much work. They take up every moment of time, its so crazy!

Wow its been a whole month since I have blogged. I wish I could say it was because I was so happy, or so busy or anything really that I just had no time to blog. Lets see what I have done this month. I have fought with my husband several times. Husbands can be such...well fill in your own blank. I have babysat several children. Adding one child to my brood let alone two one being autistic has been challenging for me. I have started homeschooling my youngest. I was going to send him to school but couldn't manage it. I have tried to help my friend a little navigate through her depression and poopy pants husband. I have convinced my husband to try a new all natural depression medication. I have been truly thankful for my husband almost every day. I have felt so blessed by God to have my four beautiful children. I have laughed that my littlest now calls me mama and insists on kissing both cheeks and my nose. I have witnessed my daughter learn to ride her bike after 5 minutes and been amazed at how smart she is. I have watched my son learn to catch fish and see his eyes light up each time he cast the rod and a bigger fish came out ending with a salmon which had to be thrown back. My Noam has blessed me with his smile and how fast he is learning everything. I am reminded daily that I am in God's hand and He blesses me so greatly but even if He decides to take away He still has a perfect plan for me. I have had a great month. My cousin not so much, his little boy has passed and they are yet to understand God's love, I pray they will. I pray Lord you will make sense of their situation for me. Thank You for being You!

I can't believe how darn hot it is. I hate the heat! Well at least the Olympics are on. I love the Olympics! This and the fact that we have all had the flu and a million swimming lessons is why I haven't been writing. I will be back.
Just one thing is this Phelps for real? Mark my words we are going to find out there is some blood doping or something going on.

My husband and I have this saying about our buckets being full. Whenever I have so much on my plate I get to a point where I can't handle anything. Thats when I make stupid mistakes like when Kayde fell in the ditch. Anyway its like when my bucket is full if you add even one more thing the water starts dripping out. Thats exactly what it feels like.
Anyway last night my husband tells me his bucket is full. No to be uncompassionate but what? I said to him he must have a pretty small bucket. I take care of him all day. We had this huge long fight because I had a hard week and asked him to help me and he sat on the couch and became his introverted self. Anyway at the end I told him I needed to give me rest. As I was saying these words I realized who would give me rest. If I want real rest its not going to come from my hubby but from above. I always struggle with finding my refuge and rest in Christ. Lord help me.

I have been praying as of late that God would deal with my trust/abandonment issues. I have always had this deep fear of people leaving me, dying or just forgetting about me. With it I don't really trust people. Like for instance: my husband he is always late, so I have a real problem believing/trusting that he isn't in a car accident. When he lied to me about his pornography addiction years ago, well I have had trouble trusting him ever since. Deep down I fear he will leave me for someone else or I will have to leave him over his addiction. Anyway so I have bee trying to think where this has fear has come from.
Last night I was lying in bed and I think I may have figured it out. Let me preface this with something. I have an uncle who was always very weird with us kids. He would walk around naked and one of my younger aunts accused him of molesting her. My parents knew he was weird in this way but still left my sister and I with him (this is another issue to deal with later). Anyway so my aunt and weird uncle lived a block away from us. One night my mom and dad took us over there for an adult games night. We had three cousins and so this was always fun. At bedtime my parents put my sister and I to bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night with the house completely quiet. I started to cry, I was so mad that my mom had left me there. From then on I had this irrational fear of being left anywhere. I wouldn't stay over night anywhere, if my mom took us to the babysitters I would cry and make her promise a thousand times she would be there to pick me up after work. If it was night I would stay awake until she came. To this day I have vivid memories of that night and the saddness and fear I felt. I have always had this weird feeling like something had happened to me as a young girl, but always felt that ignorance was bliss. I am not saying anything did happen with this maniac of an uncle but it could explain a lot. He drives this very distinguishable vehicle and to this day when I see him I hide and cringe.
I will continue to pray and seek healing from Jesus.
"Lord, heal my brokenness. Fill me full of Your trust. Let me have the grace to believe in Your perfect plan!"

Oh! I cannot believe that I am 32 and have acne galore. Every time I get rid of a zit a new one comes. I just cannot even comprehend it. In the last week I have bought two facial cleansers, I have stopped using conditioner, I am downing water by the gallon and tonight I am at the point where I am going to almost swear off chocolate. You know it's bad when it comes down to chocolate. A few months ago I even bought proactiv but then I read on a website that it only makes your acne worse. CRAP! SO now what do I do? I am really trying not to care. Its God teaching me to not be so vain. I was at a point where I was some what confident that I was looking good. Now I haven't even touched my face with makeup for almost a month. Can't I learn this some other way? I am trying, it is just so hard. Well if you see me on the street please don't stare, please lie and say I have a beautiful complexion. :)
By the way the picture is my husbands grumpy face. He is half smiling because he knows I am taking the picture but the rest is for real.

Eww! I hear we are as in Canada in the running for the world cup 2018. That would really be awesome. A great June of soccer came to an end the other day. I watched 30 out of the 31 games and actually watched a few twice with my husband. It was so exciting and not because of Mutu who my husband is convinced I am in love with. I am not but I think he may be. I think I may change my screensaver just to keep him guessing though. So now that soccer is over I am a bit sad. Next is the Olympics. I love them, I plan to sit the kids down in front of the tv with me for two weeks straight. I love most of the sports. I think when the Olympics were in Atlanta I watched all day each day when I could. The past eight years I didn't have cable so never did see most of them but this year I will! I always dreamed of competing, my husband and I are going to take up rowing once my kids are old enough to watch themselves (5 more years) and who knows I may make it there!