Wow

Has it really been two years since I have written on here? I tried to start a soccer/football specific blog but that was really difficult. I don't mind telling everything when I am doing it anonymously but as soon as people are reading it, eeks!I need to share on here more though because it really does help. Just venting. Always helps everything.

Love Dare Day 2

So Day one went well. I did however realize that I am so quick to anger even over little things. I tried to make the word patience a bit of a mantra for me. Just continually reminding myself to be patient. I at times did think disapproving thoughts of Jai and I tried oh so hard not to say anything negative. I am a negative person. These are things I can work on in marriage and just in life in general.

Day 2 Love Is Kind
Patience=reacts, kindness=acts. Patience avoids a problem;kindness creates a blessing.
Gentleness
-never being unnecessarily harsh
-speak the truth in love
Helpfullness
-meet the needs of the moment
Willingness
-stay flexible, compromise
Initiative
-serves and forgives first
Proverbs 31:26"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."
Love is not based on feelings.
Today I need to one act of kindness. I think the act of kindness is easy for me, its the feeling of being kind, or thinking kind thoughts that I have trouble with.
Lord, help me be kind and patient with Jai. Give me your strength to do this.

Love Dare

Well today I'm going to start the Love Dare book by Kendrick. Why? Because Jai has been doing it for a while and I haven't really noticed him doing it. Maybe it would be better if he did it daily I'm not sure. I am kind of at a hard place in our relationship. It just always feels like so much work, the friendship isn't there after all these years. Everything he does just seems to tick me off. I just don't feel like he has gotten to know me at all after all these years. I'm not the best at this marriage thing either because I haven't changed either. I'm still selfish and sometimes mean. I have a lot of changing to go.
Jeremiah 17:9"The heart is more deceitful than all else." This is key learning to follow my brain rather than my heart. Making decisions according to the wisdom God has granted me instead of how I feel.

Day 1 Love Is Patient
-"humble and gentle", so not me
-Patience
responding positively to an negative situation
slow to anger
internal calm during an external storm
anger almost never makes things better
patience is a deep breat
So the dare today is basically not to say anything negative to Jai. Do the dares continue or do I just work on today? This is a hard one for me, really. I am negative.
Lord help me be positive and encouraging to Jason though my mind and body will fight it.

Hello world,
So tonight I go to change the master password on my computer and I can't. I don't know what it is. I change it every few months so usually remember it. So then I get worried that Jai has changed it. I stress out to no end. AM I nuts?
God let this not be the case. AH I hate this part of love, trust. How do I do that? How do I trust You Lord let alone my sinful husband? ALl I pray Lord is that I would know. Let me find the evidence, most importantly let my husband tell me. That is my biggest fear that I will be lied to again. Let me trust You. If Jai fails me You won't. Let me get my comfort in that.

So I check out my blog for the first time in months and all of a sudden I have 1100 people who have checked out my blog? Is this true or is it an error? If you read my blog let me know. Leave me a comment.

Life

Jesus,
What a day I am having. I am so grumpy and Jai is so grumpy. How do I deal with this? I don't know if its the heat or my birth control but I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. There is so much of me that needs to change and so much of Jai. I watched a movie called Faith Like Potatoes. The actor in it said at one point he didn't want to trust God but he did. Thats how I feel, I am just fighting it with my whole being but I need to. My whole relationship with Jai, all our problems I just need to give it to God. Just trust Him. I can hear Him telling me,"trust Me Dawn. Just trust Me. Let Me do it. Let Me have it." It's so hard.
God I trust You. I am giving this to You, I don't want to but I am.
I trust YOu!
I trust You!
I trust You!

Some days I really hate being married. Having this whole other person in control of your future. Jai had a bit of a lapse this morning and tried to lie about it. I caught him right away which I should be thankful for, but again its the lying that throws me for a loop. I should probably be more angry about the actual lapse but it's the lie that gets me. He just doesn't get it. He trusts me %100, so he just doesn't know how it feels. I don't even know why he does it. I almost feel like it's more of an attention thing. Like he's not getting enough so he lapses so he gets some attention. One of his ex girlfriends cheated on him so maybe its even a self preservation thing, I just don't know.
God I know I could make it without him, You would never give me something I couldn't handle. But I just feel like I am waiting for it to happen. Maybe I need to just give him my trust, undeserved as it is. I know I fail you daily and You still trust me and love me. Lord, I trust You and I will do whatever it is You have called me to. Help me to know what to do. Give me Your wisdom! Let me see him for the person that You have created him to be, let me have a glimpse of the love You have for him. Heal us, heal him. Lord, give him Your strength, let him not rely on his strength. Let him question his actions. Be with us, be in us. Lord wrap me in Your loving arms and shield me from this pain. I want to be married to this man for all the days of my life, Lord make that a reality!