I am running late on my period. I am a little worried yet hopeful that maybe its my body finally working it all out. My hormones have been so crazy since Kayde was born and you would think after three years everything would be going back to normal. My face although I have some small pimples seems to be clearing up a bit. My boobs weren't leaking this morning which is the first time. SO maybe lets hope.
Lord please help me to trust You. Whatever You are going to give me let me trust You, let me trust Your perfect plan.

Well man I am having a crappy day. I just lost it on my husband. I told him to leave and never come back. Now I really don't think he would do that but who knows. What do you do when you just get to the point in marriage when you feel like life would be so much easier without the other person. I just feel like he is so much work all the time. I am sure I am too but I am too tired to do anything about it. I just don't get how he is okay with not being needed. I don't need him to work and make money, God provides. I could really easily look after the kids all by myself. All I would have to do is use the phone more. I wouldn't have to deal with his mother or sister and that would be so nice. Oh yes he does vaccum, but really I could pick up that once a month job. He does clean out the cat litter but he usually waits until the cat poops or pees in the house to do that. I am sure he fell in love with me because I am so in control and decisive but that has really been his downfall. Each day I take on a new task from him. Then his constant grumpiness. If you feel crappy tell me why. He doesn't tell me because all the things he whines about are so stupid! And what do I say? SUCK IT UP!
SO what do I do? WHy did I fall in love with him? I look back and think what was I thinking? He was such a nice friend, why didn't I leave it at that?
I know God gave him to me. My love came for him came from God, just as his did for me. I need to be better. I cannot change him, I never will. God can change me into more of a servant. I need to be more Christ-like. Help me Lord!

So I have now entered potty training for the fourth and hopefully last time. Let me tell you it sucks and it sucks bad. I have never really had an easy potty trainer and I am left wondering two things. Either God has forsaken me or those others are all lying. We are in to day 5. Day 5 and we have had 3 accidents and zero pees on the potty. we have however spent a good 2 hours on the potty. Yes as a mom of four all under the age of 8 I have somehow managed to find an extra 2-4 hours a day to sit in the bathroom reading stories and trying to coax pee out of an almost 3 year old. I am at the end of my rope. I have done well staying very positive encouraging even attempts but this last attempt not so much. In fact I almost put him in diapers and I actually threw the trainers on the floor and told him to put them on. I did help him because I felt bad. Its just too much for one person to handle at least this person. I am calling out for God's help, this is just so beyond me. If some day even if its not today you are reading this pray for me. Yes it seams silly but even your prayers may help in this insignificant thing that seems like such a huge deal right now. ANd thats just it at least one day at Kayde's wedding I will tell of how he took sooooooo long to potty train and hope that he has the same difficulties with his son.:) In this thing though I will have no advice. I will tell them not to talk to me about potty training, leave 'em in diapers, call me when you are done, I don't want any part of this!!!!!!!
Man if I were rich I would pay someone to do this for me.
If I accomplish this it will definitely be something to be proud of: 4 kids potty trained, 8 years of changing diapers, most often changing two at a time. (Here come the tears.)

Well another month has almost past. I try and think why or what am I so busy with? I have no idea. Raising four kids, kind of. It takes up time but really not that much time. I am not that good at thats why. I still have so much selfishness that I can't just get rid of. Which leads me into the fact that I am so blessed to have great kids. They drive Jai and I crazy all day and then whenever we are at friend's houses or doctors offices they are so good. Last night Jai and I dropped the kids off at their Aunts and went to a friends birthday party. They were saying how great our kids were, how quiet and well behaved. Then everyone assumes we are great parents. Some days we are awful parents. I feel bad for poor Ryley. we are always learning with him. Maybe its because we love them. I hope thats why. God has given us the best family. I love that, we both have crazy families but we will always have our fun family. I truly love when we are having fun. I need to enjoy the fun times more. Jai and I just get so carried away with our lists of things we have to do. Even with teaching them each day I need to marvel at their brilliance. God has given me these four beautiful people, and He has trusted them to me. But I need to remember they belong to Him and be thankful for each day.
Back to the party... I had one friend on one side who is dying to start a family and the other who just cannot decide what she wants and is very honest about the fact that kids drive her crazy. How many people have to have the dream? You get married, get your careers, buy the house, have the two kids, it such a load of crap! I am so thankful God just takes care of all my decisions. We didn't want any kids and here I have my four. I respect other people who don't bow to the pressure. Fine get stuck with a bad job or a bad house but marriage and especially kids man those are big decisions. Honestly I never could have decided to have kids they are so much work. They take up every moment of time, its so crazy!

Wow its been a whole month since I have blogged. I wish I could say it was because I was so happy, or so busy or anything really that I just had no time to blog. Lets see what I have done this month. I have fought with my husband several times. Husbands can be such...well fill in your own blank. I have babysat several children. Adding one child to my brood let alone two one being autistic has been challenging for me. I have started homeschooling my youngest. I was going to send him to school but couldn't manage it. I have tried to help my friend a little navigate through her depression and poopy pants husband. I have convinced my husband to try a new all natural depression medication. I have been truly thankful for my husband almost every day. I have felt so blessed by God to have my four beautiful children. I have laughed that my littlest now calls me mama and insists on kissing both cheeks and my nose. I have witnessed my daughter learn to ride her bike after 5 minutes and been amazed at how smart she is. I have watched my son learn to catch fish and see his eyes light up each time he cast the rod and a bigger fish came out ending with a salmon which had to be thrown back. My Noam has blessed me with his smile and how fast he is learning everything. I am reminded daily that I am in God's hand and He blesses me so greatly but even if He decides to take away He still has a perfect plan for me. I have had a great month. My cousin not so much, his little boy has passed and they are yet to understand God's love, I pray they will. I pray Lord you will make sense of their situation for me. Thank You for being You!

I can't believe how darn hot it is. I hate the heat! Well at least the Olympics are on. I love the Olympics! This and the fact that we have all had the flu and a million swimming lessons is why I haven't been writing. I will be back.
Just one thing is this Phelps for real? Mark my words we are going to find out there is some blood doping or something going on.

My husband and I have this saying about our buckets being full. Whenever I have so much on my plate I get to a point where I can't handle anything. Thats when I make stupid mistakes like when Kayde fell in the ditch. Anyway its like when my bucket is full if you add even one more thing the water starts dripping out. Thats exactly what it feels like.
Anyway last night my husband tells me his bucket is full. No to be uncompassionate but what? I said to him he must have a pretty small bucket. I take care of him all day. We had this huge long fight because I had a hard week and asked him to help me and he sat on the couch and became his introverted self. Anyway at the end I told him I needed to give me rest. As I was saying these words I realized who would give me rest. If I want real rest its not going to come from my hubby but from above. I always struggle with finding my refuge and rest in Christ. Lord help me.

I have been praying as of late that God would deal with my trust/abandonment issues. I have always had this deep fear of people leaving me, dying or just forgetting about me. With it I don't really trust people. Like for instance: my husband he is always late, so I have a real problem believing/trusting that he isn't in a car accident. When he lied to me about his pornography addiction years ago, well I have had trouble trusting him ever since. Deep down I fear he will leave me for someone else or I will have to leave him over his addiction. Anyway so I have bee trying to think where this has fear has come from.
Last night I was lying in bed and I think I may have figured it out. Let me preface this with something. I have an uncle who was always very weird with us kids. He would walk around naked and one of my younger aunts accused him of molesting her. My parents knew he was weird in this way but still left my sister and I with him (this is another issue to deal with later). Anyway so my aunt and weird uncle lived a block away from us. One night my mom and dad took us over there for an adult games night. We had three cousins and so this was always fun. At bedtime my parents put my sister and I to bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night with the house completely quiet. I started to cry, I was so mad that my mom had left me there. From then on I had this irrational fear of being left anywhere. I wouldn't stay over night anywhere, if my mom took us to the babysitters I would cry and make her promise a thousand times she would be there to pick me up after work. If it was night I would stay awake until she came. To this day I have vivid memories of that night and the saddness and fear I felt. I have always had this weird feeling like something had happened to me as a young girl, but always felt that ignorance was bliss. I am not saying anything did happen with this maniac of an uncle but it could explain a lot. He drives this very distinguishable vehicle and to this day when I see him I hide and cringe.
I will continue to pray and seek healing from Jesus.
"Lord, heal my brokenness. Fill me full of Your trust. Let me have the grace to believe in Your perfect plan!"

Oh! I cannot believe that I am 32 and have acne galore. Every time I get rid of a zit a new one comes. I just cannot even comprehend it. In the last week I have bought two facial cleansers, I have stopped using conditioner, I am downing water by the gallon and tonight I am at the point where I am going to almost swear off chocolate. You know it's bad when it comes down to chocolate. A few months ago I even bought proactiv but then I read on a website that it only makes your acne worse. CRAP! SO now what do I do? I am really trying not to care. Its God teaching me to not be so vain. I was at a point where I was some what confident that I was looking good. Now I haven't even touched my face with makeup for almost a month. Can't I learn this some other way? I am trying, it is just so hard. Well if you see me on the street please don't stare, please lie and say I have a beautiful complexion. :)
By the way the picture is my husbands grumpy face. He is half smiling because he knows I am taking the picture but the rest is for real.

Eww! I hear we are as in Canada in the running for the world cup 2018. That would really be awesome. A great June of soccer came to an end the other day. I watched 30 out of the 31 games and actually watched a few twice with my husband. It was so exciting and not because of Mutu who my husband is convinced I am in love with. I am not but I think he may be. I think I may change my screensaver just to keep him guessing though. So now that soccer is over I am a bit sad. Next is the Olympics. I love them, I plan to sit the kids down in front of the tv with me for two weeks straight. I love most of the sports. I think when the Olympics were in Atlanta I watched all day each day when I could. The past eight years I didn't have cable so never did see most of them but this year I will! I always dreamed of competing, my husband and I are going to take up rowing once my kids are old enough to watch themselves (5 more years) and who knows I may make it there!

I am blue.
Blue am I.
My fingers feel blue.
My heart feels blue.
In the sky I see blue.
My kids look blue.
My husband looks blue.
Blue seems to have taken hold.
Blue won't let go.
LORD, free me from this blue.
I am blue.
Blue am I.

I just wanted to say how much I dislike my sister. If she could just go away forever I don't think I would even miss her. I know my mom would she feels this attachment to her because she is her mom. SHe is absolutely nuts, I mean really she should be hospitalized. I know she is mentally ill but my family has this habit of helping people to stay in their weakness. What is it called co-dependency? Something like that. She had a hissy fit at me the other day and told me I was dead to her. Really I didn't know it was so bad. She thinks she has hurt my feelings when actually I am just happy I don't have to talk to her and everyone can blame her for it.
Why do we have such crazy families? Why did Jai and I move back from Edmonton to be close to family when they are all so absolutely nuts? Now I would give a lot to be rid of them. I guess this is another reason to long for heaven. A place with perfect families. What could be more awesome than having God as our father. I know he is now but then we will be able to hear him audibly and feel his arms around us. Amazing!

As I sit here my 8 year old son is trying to write a letter to God, he has a pained expression on his face. It is encouraging me to get writing to God. To process things properly I need to either verbalize them or write them down, so I have decided to write them down. That is what this blog will be about.
So there is this guy at my husbands work, he is relatively cute, rides a motorcycle, tells my husband he likes me. My husband innocently tells me what he says. I feel good about myself but there in lies the problem, it just gets away from me. God I need your help. I need to feel the same excitement for my husband. I want to feel like when we first started dating and we had no kids and no responsibility. Thank You for moving him to a different work place. Help me to have control of my emotions. I never even expected me to feel like this, in the least. I think its the monotony of it all. I have been trying to be honest with my husband about it. The truth is I don't know how I'd feel if I was in his shoes. I think he trusts me too much and doesn't take me serious. I know I would never do anything but thinking about another person is sin in itself no? Yes I know it is. LORD, help me have a passion for my husband. I do love him but sometimes he's more friend than lover. I know You understand this and I can trust You to give me strength. Please renew my marriage! Renew my love for my life, take this man far away! Help me have strength to avoid this temptation. My sons first words are "here I am" (the words of moses at the burning bush). These words I pray.

I love my husband!

We are all sick again. I hate colds! I am hoping this will be the last one of the season! This is a lame entry I know. Its about the most interesting thing happening in my life right now apart from rereading the Harry Potter series. I am on book 5 and am hoping when I read the ending of book 7 that it doesn't put me into a deep depression. I hate when things end.

Purple
Purple tulips
grape bubble yum
purple velvet
purpley goodness
purple soft t-shirts
purple socks
purple hoodies
purpley greatness
purple lavender
purple couches
purple walls
purpley extravagance
purple is my joy de livre.

Okay so my lack of time is getting annoying. Running from here to there and I know with four kids it is only going to get worse. My little guy Noam got a phone call from the school he is going to attend next year. We were thinking he wasn't going to get into the school and I was going to homeschool him. But he did and I cried. I know he needs time away from us and time to make his own friends. Time to listen to someone else for a change. Its just so hard, I never want any of them to go to school. Probably why it was easy to decide to keep the older two home. Anyway so now next year I am going to have to find the time to run him to and from school in the midst of teaching the other two. Hopefully my husband will take him to school and I can pick him up.
So I haven't had time to shop so I am looking online for some sandals, well thongs but I am afraid to use that word because something else might appear. Well I can't find anything except some hideous old lady like things. Last year I had these really cool converse ones but my cat poop on them so I threw them out. STUPID CAT! Did I ever mention I hate our cat? He only lives here because I truly believe pets are for life. Well I am off.....

I am getting ready to celebrate my husband's 31st birthday. I don't feel like we are that old. Man oh man. I guess its because we have so many kids. That definitely makes me feel my age less, like we have accomplished so much. We have 20 years of parenting under our belts. If you look at my husband you can tell he is aging. He no longer has hair, well on his head anyway, he is getting it in his ears, his nose and on his back. Poor guy. I guess we are all aging. I am sure I will soon be rolling my boobs into my bra. Sad but true.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE OF MY LIFE!

This is my cutie. My little baby Kayde. Well he isn't a baby anymore he is almost 2 1/2. I love him dearly, maybe its because he is my last. This is actually the first time I have had a two year old without another baby in my arms. Maybe that is why he is so advanced compared to the other three. He speaks in full sentences. He knows more word than the other kids I think. The other day he said to my husband,"Daddy I am weird." Jai said,"No you aren't." "Yes daddy I am weird." It was so cute. He really isn't weird though so I don't know where he got that from. He is also already our little evangelist, he tells everyone "Jesus loves you, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves mommy. Jesus loves everyone." He is so precious! He does have his off days though. He is obsessed with our new van, well old new van. We got him a new car seat for it so we don't have to switch the car seats all the time. All he talks about is going in his new car seat and his new van. SO if we try and take him in our old car than he turns into...well I won't say it. You just wouldn't want to be around. But in the end I love him still.

I was just reading Galatians 5 and thinking about the fruits of the spirit. I have now been a christian officially half my life. I should possess most of them. Love? To those in my family yes I am loving. Although at times my husband would disagree. Joy? I struggle with finding joy. Life gets me down. Peace? I worry constantly, I pray for peace constantly. Kindness? I am kind most of the time. Goodness? I think I am good to everyone but my husband. Faithfulness? I am faithful, Gentleness? Again depends on whom you ask. Patience? Ask Jai if I am very patient when he was late yesterday for the hundredth time. Self-control? I can be sometimes.
As I typed that I realized again what marriage does to me. It brings out all my flaws, the very worst in me. Last night I was telling my Jai how upset I was that he had been late yet again. We were arguing and I just felt like I just didn't want to be married anymore like it was too difficult. Then today as he was at work all day I missed him so much. God has so much to do in me. I am like a little kid, I have so much growing to do. Marriage is great for that. Its like a giant piece of sand paper smoothing away all our rough spots.
I am thankful that the Lord gave me Jai. I pray we will get to enjoy each other until we are 100! Well I hope I don't live that long.

So my husband and I are trying to become a two vehicle family. We are saddened at the necessity of it but having four kids does that to you. I need a new van by September. Otherwise my schedule will be absolutely insanely busy. I guess I could make my hubby walk too and from work each day. He would do that for me. But the other problem is our brand new car looks like a garbage dump. It has a black interior and who knew that would show each crumb, each speck of dirt. Maybe someone will win the lottery and buy us a new van, a new used van. Thats about as likely as someone buying us a new house. Jai does have quite a few relatives who could keal over any time now and leave him quite enough for one of those events to take place. It will be all my relatives who go first because none of them have pot to pee in. SO I will just pray that I will find a cheap van and continue to check craigslist each day. Thank goodness I don't pay for internet!

So my husband and I have had a tough week. AN old pornography addiction he has had since he was a teen has reared its ugly head. Knowing what to do is always a challenge for me. But I have come to a good point. I have had an issue with trusting him since 6 years ago when I really found out about it. It wasn't the pornography that ripped us apart it was the lying about it that killed me. So for the last 6 years I have lived in this state of disbelief of him. Poor guy. I Have realized this struggle isn't between he and I its between he and God. He is not letting me down he is letting His Saviour down. Christ trusts him and therefore I need too. There is just no point in living in our past sin. We need to grow and move on.
Then we found out some friends are separated. I never really liked the wife, I think I wrote about her in a previous blog but that doesn't mean I ever wanted something like that for them. Its so very sad. I haven't talked to him yet but I am so curious to know how things get that bad. It makes me so thankful for my husband. We have our issues but he is always willing to sit and talk through it. We always make it better. Sure we fight and drive each other crazy at times but we are best friends. I think it helps that we love spending time with each other. Also that we have kids, it just teaches you not to be selfish. You just don't have time with four kids.
I thank the LORD for my family. My Jai, my Ry, my Elle, my Noamy, and my kayde! Man do I love them! I am blessed!

How come I cannot get a picture to come up? Anyone know why its not working?
Question #2 Does anyone have a sister who is crazy? I do and sometimes man oh man.

Errr...I am so grumpy! Why do I get like this every spring? I am unhappy with my life. well mostly my husband. Not unhappy just a little sick of him. Like why do I have to spend all my time with this person. I always get restless this time of year. Maybe no really I have no idea what it is.

Okay so we have this stinking huge crack in the front window of our car. We call the insurance company and we have to pay a $200 deductible to have it fixed. Was this crack in any shape way or form my fault? Then last week someone takes a crowbar and tries to break in to the side door. Someone scares them and all they leave is a huge basketball sized dent and a lot of chipped paint. So we call the insurance company, yes that will be a $300 deductible. Oh yeah thats right I ddid that damage and I was the one who if I had of got in and busted the ignition would not have to pay the deductible, boy am I tempted! Then I am driving the other day and I got hit by someone. I will admit it was partly my fault I made a stupid mistake but because I was entering her lane the insurance company calls me at fault. So thats right you guessed it another $300 deductible. Oh I love my car right now. I wish it was an old junker so I could just leave it and it wouldn't matter. Its only money right? I don't however feel very protected.

Oh its Valentine's Day. My husband had to work both jobs today so we won't be having any romance today. Instead he got to spend all day with the cuties at his work and now he is teaching little cuties how to play drums. I guess I am lucky because I got to spend all day with my babies. They are so cute, although today they were a bit of a mess. Anyway back to the cuties at my husbands work. He works as a server at a restaurant. They are all very good looking. He comes home and tells me I am better looking than any of them. Which part of me is better my boobs that sag or my beautiful stretch marks from having four kids, one of which weighed in at almost 12 pounds at birth? It almost makes me more nervous when he says that. Then again I don't know if I actually want to hear him admit that one of them is good looking. Men are so physically driven I would find that hard to hear I think. Every day when he is leaving for work I give him the best kiss that I know how, hopefully it will help him want to come home at night. Dr Phil says you always have to make them want to come home, so I try not to wear sweats and always try to brush my hair before he leaves. This can be a real challenge when you homeschool the kids. I love him with my whole heart and just pray that he will never go down that path. But I know God doesn't give us things we can't handle, so I would make it. It reminds me of that Helen Ready song, "I am Woman hear mr roar."

I wish I had an audience, well sometimes. I think only my husband would appreciate what I have to say. Instead all my thoughts are getting lost in cyberspace. Just drifting around waiting to land on somebody's computer. I can just picture this black abyss with words floating around. It is probably safer that way. I have more freedom to say what I want. I don't think anyone could ever find my blog anyway. No one I know is that internet savvy, that I know of. I wonder how people get their blogs out there? I guess giving it out to people they know. Anyway I feel safe right now. Not that I have any big secrets. There is that commercial out there that says "everyone has something to hide." I often think about what is my secret? I think the biggest thing is that I hide the fact that I am very insecure. Sometimes though I wish I hid it better, I want to exude confidence. I should have a lot of confidence because I am so blessed. I have everything I have ever desired. Four beautiful children and an amazing husband. It is definitely something I need to work on. I wish I could know others secrets, well maybe my husbands. I would like to know if he has any. Maybe I don't though, some things are best left hidden. Anyway...

Well my husband as usual is being amazing. He is learning as am I how to deal with his parents. Slowly but surely this is an issue we will both resolve together. I love my Jason!

Anyone else sick of their in-laws? What is with them? I cannot figure out how my husband turned out so awesome. How can you be such a wonderful person when you come from such a crazy family. My husbands family is so self absorbed. I wish we could move to Africa. It must be the irish, I don't know. How do you handle in-laws? I won't tell you how my husband and I jokingly discussed handling them but I am sure a lot of you can guess.
Is anyone else sick of this writers strike? I want my Heroes back. All I have to look forward to each week is Jetstream. Come on I need some more excitement. Even Tori and Dean Inn Love is reruns. We need some new shows! I will write for a fraction of what they get paid. I am funny I truly am. Just ask my husband. He always tells me how funny I am. I am sure I can be dramatic, I have a love life and four children plus I have a whole troupe of in-laws who are nuts.

I went to a shower on the weekend. Fun except I didn't really know anyone except two girls that I really don't like. Let me regress a little. There was once this boy I thought I loved, whom I chased around for two years. Now I don't know why, he is exactly the opposite of everything I wanted in a husband. Luckily though he brought me my wonderful husband. When my husband and I started dating he later started dating the girl. He often told me how much a like we were. Yeuck! Stop creeping me out. Even though he claims he didn't like me he was quite obsessed by me. Anyway she never has liked me and I can tell you the feeling is quite mutual. I secretly hope he always tells her how much she is like me.:) So back to the weekend she was at this shower. Although her and friend were talking about how only stupid people have more than 2 children, she has none. the redeeming part of the evening was that she looked terrible. She had a skin tight dress on which she is not thin. She was showing enough cleavage, well, at an all girls shower, I am not really sure why. Her hair was awful. It made me feel great. Does that make me evil? My husband says yes. I think its wonderful, I know I chose the right husband and I bet ya someone feels bad that they didn't choose me. She really isn't a very nice person but now you are thinking I am not either. Well I bet everyone feels this sometimes.

Is it going to spring soon? i am so going crazy with the dark rainy days. I need to learn to live in the moment. I love spring and I love fall so I spend all of summer and winter waiting for the next season. But the worst is I spend spring and fall dreading the oncoming season. Isn't that sad of me? I think its sad but I still am waiting for spring. In fact I was very happy yesterday because someone said they saw the crocuses starting to pop through. That means its almost time for tulips and I love tulips. I think purple tulips are one of the happiest things in the whole world. If I ever have a house with a yard I will cover my yard in all varieties of purple tulips! In fact I will only have purple flowers and maybe I will paint my house purple. Oh I love purple! Maybe my husband should paint himself purple. He may just like the result of that. :)

Did anyone watch John Stewart last night? I was wondering if he was allowed to write down what he was going to say? Would that be a script and therefore he can't do that? Just wondering.

So I haven't told anyone this blog exists. Three reasons. 1 I am not a writer. 2 I want to talk freely about people I know, 3 I really don't think I am so important that my friends need to read my blog. How would anyone ever find it. Can anyone answer that? I am curious if anyone could ever find my blog. If they can that kind of sucks. Oh well.

Well life has been busy. Busy doing school work, busy cleaning. I have been spring cleaning. I got rid of so much junk! I was tempted to sell a lot of it but we gave it away instead. I try to not get attached to things but that is very hard. For example a coat. We bought it for Ryley 7 years ago. Noam and Kayde also wore it, not a lot but maybe once or twice. Part of me just wants to hold onto it forever and ever. I tell myself that someone could use it, its still a really nice coat. What would God have me do? So I give it away and try not to think about it. Actually whilst I am cleaning I try not to think at all. Just toss. It has come back to bite me in butt a few times but I will live. That is something I love about living in our tiny apartment no space for junk. If we ain't using it, it's gotta go. I don't know how people live in huge houses with their rooms full of junk. Well I guess they don't feel its junk. I love clutter free living.