Some days I really hate being married. Having this whole other person in control of your future. Jai had a bit of a lapse this morning and tried to lie about it. I caught him right away which I should be thankful for, but again its the lying that throws me for a loop. I should probably be more angry about the actual lapse but it's the lie that gets me. He just doesn't get it. He trusts me %100, so he just doesn't know how it feels. I don't even know why he does it. I almost feel like it's more of an attention thing. Like he's not getting enough so he lapses so he gets some attention. One of his ex girlfriends cheated on him so maybe its even a self preservation thing, I just don't know.
God I know I could make it without him, You would never give me something I couldn't handle. But I just feel like I am waiting for it to happen. Maybe I need to just give him my trust, undeserved as it is. I know I fail you daily and You still trust me and love me. Lord, I trust You and I will do whatever it is You have called me to. Help me to know what to do. Give me Your wisdom! Let me see him for the person that You have created him to be, let me have a glimpse of the love You have for him. Heal us, heal him. Lord, give him Your strength, let him not rely on his strength. Let him question his actions. Be with us, be in us. Lord wrap me in Your loving arms and shield me from this pain. I want to be married to this man for all the days of my life, Lord make that a reality!